Agra - It's Totally 'Taj'

Q: How many Indian men does it take to change a bus tyre?
A: Approximately 26 (one doing the work, and 25 standing around discussing it).

This scene of Indian masculinity was something we witnessed when our bus to Agra got a flat tyre.

Q: How do you avoid paying commission to a rickshaw driver for taking you to a hotel?
A: We don't know... we've tried many tactics (with various degrees of failure), but the most promising method we tried was in Agra... We directed the rickshaw driver to a cafe nearby a hotel we wanted to stay in (thank you Lonely Planet for your helpful map). We then sat and had a chai hoping the driver would get sick of waiting and go look for another fare. When this didn't work, we split up, with Claire staying at the cafe with our luggage, while Paul and Amy snuck off in search for the hotel. A few minutes down the road, Paul and Amy were congratulating themselves on outsmarting the rickshaw driver when, out of nowhere, he popped up out of the shadows and followed us to the hotel - no doubt to collect his commission... turns out he outsmarted us

Q: Are you lacking a calculator and hate doing mental addition? Does your job require you to do many sums in one day?
A: If you answered 'Yes' to this question, you need... THE HUMAN CALCULATOR!!! (Who also doubles up as an amusing, elderly, tip-requesting waiter).
Here's how he works; Your customers come to pay, you write up their bill but you can't be bothered working out the total yourself, so you call on your Human Calculator, who ambles arthritically downstairs to do the dirty work for you! Simply yell out the numbers you want added, and the Human Calculator will do the math in his head and give you a speedy total. Brilliant! And way more amusing than a regular calculator...

Q: Ever wondered what a tomato salad looks like in India?
A: Probably not, but just in case you ever attempt to order one in India, you should know that all you're in for is a tomato sliced up on a plate with a wedge of lime. Generally the food we've had in India has been amazing, but, like this tomato salad, all the food in Agra was pretty crap.

Q: Wondering why we haven't mentioned the Taj Mahal yet?
A: We're about to...
For the most visited sight in India, the Taj is surrounded by some whopping big lies. Yes, it is every bit as amazing as you've heard, BUT we were told a few porkers that were a little saddening...
First of all, many of the hotels and restaurants around Agra claim to have "Taj views"... well, as we discovered, what they actually mean is that from their rooftop, if you look at a specific angle through other buildings, you can see portions of the Taj, but not enough to take a photo... oh, and ignore the restaurants that try to lure you in for dinner with these "Taj view" claims... it's not lit up at night, so you won't see much.

The second (and most hurtful) lie we were told about the Taj, is that you can sit and watch the sunrise over this magnificent piece of architecture. Now, this isn't entirely a lie, because you can line up at the ticket window and wait for it to open at sunrise and then, as the sun is rising, you can stand in line at both the ticket window and then the gates of the Taj waiting to be let inside. Once the sun has well and truly risen, THEN you'll be let into the complex. Thanks for stealing our beauty sleep for no reason, Agra.

The final lie we were told in Agra (not actually, Taj related though), was that our train to Delhi would leave Agra station at 10 am... 5 hours later, when we were still sitting at the platform waiting for our train to arrive (despite the computer screens telling us it was still due to arrive at 10am), we wondered if our train was ever coming at all. Annoying, but made completely worth it when our train actually arrived AND we got to see an old naked man picking up rubbish on the tracks! Awesome!

Khajuraho (or if you're Paul, Khajaroo)

To get to Khajuraho from Varanasi we had to take a train to Satna the transfer to a bus... simple, right? But this being India, the buses had, of course, stopped running, leaving us with the choice of staying in the shit-hole-satna for a night, or continuing onto Khajuraho by Taxi. Knowing this, a mob of delighted (read, desperate) taxi drivers were waiting for us as we disembarked the train. A bidding war broke out. It was us versus them. We listened to their pleas in turn as each of them explained to us that they were the only one with the requisite car/permit/license/reckless Indian driving style to get us to our destination. Before we knew it, we, the only foreigners in sight, were surrounded by 50 or so taxi drivers and keen observers. We'd like to say we opted for the best qualified driver, but in reality we settled for the old dude who offered us the cheapest price. 2 hours later, we sat down for dinner in a Khajuraho hotel where Paul was repeatedly molested by the resident "massage man" who, over the course of 2 days, engaged in an unrequited relationship with Paul's scalp, shoulders and, most awkwardly, his knees. It was pretty weird, but given the 'sexy' nature of Khajuraho, we figured it was par for the course. Yes, you may notice that we just described an Indian town as 'sexy'... let us elaborate... the whole reason people go to Khajuraho is to see the 'sexy temples', that is, temples with 'sexy' scenes from the Karma Sutra engraved on them - by curious people who obviously had way too much time on their hands 1,000 years ago. It's risque, it's raunchy, it's quite hilarious, and, well worth the detour from Varanasi. Aside from the temples and some very Indian public toilets, Khajuraho has little to offer tourists, so after purchasing a range of 'sexy' karma sutra souvenirs, we busted a move onto Agra.

Toilet anyone?

Far away the karma temples look quite innocent

Up close 'sexy-time' can involve animals...

But you can also have fun without horses

Varanassi is VARA-NASTY

Varanassi may or may not have been the best introduction to India because even now, 1 month later it still is the most overwhelming place we have visited in the country. It's filthy, smelly the streets are full of cow shit and the rickshaw drivers and street sellers are relentless. It probably didn't help that we managed to pick a guesthouse with staff who we suspect had been recently released from a mental institution... and who should probably be sent back. Immediately. In the 3 days that we stayed there, not one conversation with the staff made sense, which was partly due to the fact that the manager answered questions with questions or a cat's meow... no joke. The closest one to somewhat sanity was the owner, he repeatedly told us "India is funky" and unfortunately he had produced a giant half Indian / Japanese baby with the ugliest head we had ever seen and who we believe would be the sole survivor of a nuclear winter (along with the cockroaches). The meowing manager did impart one pearl of wisdom on us when he said, "India is not polite - I'd rather you kill me than bore me" It turns out, in a number of situations, we've found this to be true.

In Varanassi, we gained a wonderful travel companion, our dear British friend we met in Korea, Paul.... woo hoo! After just a few days as two girls in traveling in India we realised having a male around would be somewhat of an asset in deterring Indian men.

The three of us - in our Korea days... and in Paul's defense at the end of Movember

Set on the banks of the Ganges, Varanassi is one of India's holiest cities and many Indians make their final journey here to be cremated at the burning ghats. Dead bodies wrapped in colourful fabric are paraded down the street to the river where they are publicly cremated. Walking along the Ganges we witnessed a few of these ceremonies and we were surprised at the contrast between the Indian attitudes towards death, compared to our own... exemplified by a kid drying his undies in the heat coming from the cremation fire and the fact that no one seemed concerned by the pair of legs sticking out of said fire... or when one of these legs fell off. We weren't allowed to take photos, but that's kind of irrelevant, given those images are forever burned into our minds - pun intended.

Undoubtedly, the highlight of Varanassi for us, was the sunrise boat cruise along the Ghats. The early morning light really added to the vibrancy of the women's saris, the buildings and what seemed like the entire cities laundry being washed and dried along the banks. More than anything, these scenes demonstrated that every facet of Inidian life can be (and often is) played out in public - bathing, laundry, funerals, praying, sleeping, and even going to the toilet are common place public events.

Aside from this boat trip and a pleasant afternoon exploring the backstreets of the old city, Varanassi was a confronting, overwhelming and chaotic place that everyone going to India should see, but we're certainly not in a hurry to re-visit.

What to do outside of Kathmandu

Many people who travel to Nepal do so with one thing in mind: to go trekking. Why they would want to subject themselves to 15 days of torture is beyond us, but apparently it's the 'thing to do' in Nepal... Anyway, due to this trekking frenzy, we've come across so many people who only venture out of Kathmandu to climb Everest base camp or walk the Annapurna circuit. Given our shared dislike of physical exertion, we decided to see what else Nepal had on offer. So here's a list of things to do outside of Kathmandu:

1. BUS SURFING
(OK, we just made this name up, but it aptly describes what we're talking about.) Buses in Nepal get full very quickly and as that wise old Asian adage goes; "if you're going to drive somewhere, you might as well cram as many people as possible into and on the vehicle... and then add a few more." Because of this, seeing people riding on the roof tops of buses, is about as common as spotting a goat on Nepal's city streets (which is pretty common). It was only a matter of time until it was us on top of one of those buses holding on for dear life... actually in 10 days, we clocked up 7 hrs of rooftop riding, or as we like to call it, bus surfing.

2. WHITE WATER RAFTING
Nepal has some of the best (and cheapest) white water rafting in the world, so we could hardly pass up on an opportunity to spend 2 days honing our rafting skills on the Lower Seti river. Turns out that although we'd never done this before, we were better prepared for it than our 16 year old safety kayaker... our advantage was that, unlike her, we can swim. This discovery was made when, on the 1st day, her kayak flipped in an rapid and she nearly drowned... with this in mind we made valiant attempts not to fall out of our raft from then on. Aquatically challenged safety kayaker aside, we had an awesome time raging down the rapids and camping overnight on a riverside beach... we just wish we'd booked a longer trip!!


3. USING A SQUAT WITH NO HOLE
After Tibet, we figured we'd used the worst toilets on Earth... and we had, but Nepal brought a new toilet style into the mix that rivals those of Tibet. Introducing, the squat with no hole. Yes, that's right folks, it's pretty much a concrete slab. As a user, it's by far the easiest toilet going round - if you don't mind standing in a puddle of someone elses pee, that is. We're not sure what really happens with number 2's, and we don't really want to find out.


4. SHARE A BUS RIDE WITH A GOAT... or a rooster... we did. A few times.


5. ANNAPURNA VIEWS
We had no idea how big the Annapurna mountains are. They're friken huge. No one has ever reached the top. You can see them from everywhere. And they're amazing. We recommend the views from the tiny hill-side village of Bandipur and Sarangot hill in Pokhara. On a clear day, the views don't disappoint.

6. TREK TO THE WORLD PEACE PAGODA, POKHARA
We use the word 'trek' lightly, but this 2 hour uphill walk was 'trekking' in our book... and enough to put us off actual trekking for life. The snake that slithered across our path, the billion steps up the mountain and the relentless heat all combined to make it a tough walk, BUT, the views of the Annapurna's (see above) from the top, made it all worth it... plus, we got to experience world peace.


7. KOREAN TEMPLE STAY
We never thought living in Korea would come in handy on our travels, but boy we were wrong! After meeting two Koreans on our bus to Lumbini (the birthplace of Buddha), they told us about a Korean temple in the area where we could stay and be fed 3 meals a day - for free! Well, for a donation but still... we never got to do a temple stay in Korea, so aside from eating Korean food and brushing up on our Korean language, it was a nice unexpected addition to our trip in Nepal.

8. BE CONSTANTLY MISTAKEN AS AN ISRAELI
"Shalom shalom" was the usual greeting we received from Nepalese shop keepers as we walked down the street. "you from Israel?" was the question we were often asked... we knew there were a lot of Israelis around, but we didn't understand the constant confusion (Claire maybe - at least she has dark skin and curly hair, but Amy doesn't exactly fit the bill). Then one day, after a guy gave us a particularly hearty "shalom", we asked him why he thought we were Israeli... he replied "it's because of your get-up, you know!?" After rewinding our minds to 1976 when the word "get-up" was last used, we realised he was talking about our clothes... Not sure how a t-shirt and shorts qualifies as Israeli 'get-up', but apparently it just does.

Our stay in Nepal was short and sweet but with our flight home booked for late November, we wanted to allow ourselves enough time to explore India... and as we sat in a jeep waiting to cross the Indian border, watching Indian truck drivers punch rickshaw drivers trying to overtake them, we knew we'd be in for an interesting last 6 weeks of our trip.

Kathman-dudes!

After the chilled out vibe of Laos, arriving in Kathmandu was pretty full on. First of all, wed travelled 24 hours to get there (apparently the cheap flights aren't always direct), AND, we didn't have quite enough money for our visas (F.Y.I Lonely Planet - visa prices have gone up at least $10 since your time of research). To add to this, we arrived on day 2 of the 15 day Dasain festival (Nepal's biggest national festival) AND a beggar tried to bite us for refusing to give him cookies we didn't even have.. all of this in our first 12 hours!

The contrast compared to S.E Asia was huge, the smells, the sounds, the colours, the scams and the pace of life bore no resemblance to what we'd been used to in the previous months. It was time to wake up and smell the cow shit.

Bodnath stupa, Kathmandu

As you'd expect, we saw all the main sights around Kathmandu and the valley, but the most exciting part about our time in Kathmandu was the Dasain festival. We're still not 100% sure what the festival is all about, but it involved a lot of people shopping and being merry aaannnd... the decapitation of several hundred animals. You probably think we're horrible people, but we were totally excited to see goats and buffaloes being sacrificed to the gods in this way. Watching 30 or so of these scarifies, wasn't nearly as bad as we thought it would be and although they're killing animals, it's done incredibly quickly and none of the animal goes to waste. If this grosses you out, don't look at the next picture and whatever you do, don't ask to see our videos of it!

Heads!

Once killed, the men run the head and body around a circle

Kathmandu has quite the mix of people walking the streets and we thoroughly enjoyed people watching on a very regular basis - here are our favourites;

The Trekkers: We hate the trekkers. We're not talking about people who climb mountains here, these are the people who feel the need to walk the streets of Kathmandu CITY in their trekking gear. Ummm... despite what you may think, wearing Kathmandu clothing in Kathmandu isn't the epitome of coolness, nor is wearing polar fleece on a 30 degree day. It's not just the clothing that offends us either (but if we see one more quick-dry t-shirt or zip off shorts/trousers, we may scream), it's the unnecessary use of trekking equipment in an urban environment that drives us nuts. Hiking poles on flat bitumen roads and head lamps in restaurants simply are not necessary... we get it, you've walked the Annapurna circuit. Good for you.

We hate trekkers

The Hippies: Hippies and Kathmandu have a historical link.. the city actually has a street called 'Freak St' named after it's long-running hippy community. Thanks to this community, Kathmandu's shops are filled with hippie crap and the young babies of hippie parents are answering to names like "Lark" and "Peace"... seriously cruel... but at least they're not trekkers.

Lark and Peace grown up

The Sadhus: These guys are our favourites... or at least they were until they started stealing our water bottles, attacking us with red dots and asking us for money all the time. Still, their long dreads, body paint and weird walking poles make them a cool novelty in our book!

Two Sadhus kindly posing for our photo... for a few dollars of course

We always seem to like the places that other people hate... and Kathmandu was no exception.

Raju from Rajistan

Here's a scenario for you;
You've just arrived in Kathmandu and while walking around the chaotic streets, you stop to check you map. As you do so, a young guy (maybe around 30-ish) kindly offers you directions to where you want to go. He then makes small talk with you while walking with you to your nearby destination. He tells you he's from India, but is studying in Nepal and likes to spend his free-time chatting with foreigner to improve his English. He assures you several times that he doesn't want any money from you, but instead offers to show you around town so that he can practice his English. You notice that he already speaks English very well, but agree, somewhat reluctantly, to let him accompany you.

You spend the next few hours being shown some great corners of Kathmandu... some you'd never have seen otherwise, and he even shows you how to navigate the insanely crowded public bus system! Together, you head towards the Tibetan quarter of Bodnath, where, he tells you, there is a festival on that day. Once again, you're given an insight into local life that you couldn't have possibly discovered on your own. At the end of the afternoon, you consider buying him lunch in return for all he has shown you, but instead, he insists that you accompany him to his house to meet his family and drink some chai. Tired of always turning down invitations like this, you figure 'why not?'... plus you've spent the whole day with this guy and he seems cool enough. You follow him the 5 mins it takes to get to his neighbourhood, but soon realise that the apartment buildings you were expecting him to live in, were now behind you, and that the reasonably well dressed guy you'd spent the day with, was leading you to him home in a Kathmandu slum. Suddenly, you're surrounded by shelters made of plastic sheeting and other scraps and you're confronted by the sight of poverty that's more extreme than anything you've ever seen in your life.
You meet his wife and their 3 young children, his sister and her 2 kids, and you realise that all 8 of them share this tiny, tiny shack. It grows increasingly difficult for you to hide your shock at what's before your eyes. Hearing his 2 year olds terrible cough, you're compelled to offer your help... but before you get a chance to do so, he tells you a story about corrupt police officers confiscating his livelihood - a shoe shining/repair box. At this point you feel like maybe something isn't quite right, but then think that (a) maybe you are too cynical, and (b) there's a family in front of you living in abject poverty and any contribution you offer could make a difference - even just a small one. So, you offer some money... but your host refuses the cash, suggesting instead that you could help him by replacing his shoe-shining box. You agree to make a contribution and minutes later, a man with a shoe-shining box for sale shows up. Convenient. Twenty minutes later, the box has been purchased and you are shown back to the bus stand... apparently no longer required.

So, that was our first day in Nepal... At times we feel like we were royally duped, but at the same time, this dude and his family live in a really horrible slum and if our money helped them in any way at all, then we're ok with that... even if the money wasn't really used to buy his shoe-shining box. You may think we were stupid, and maybe we were, but once we saw the way this guy lived, there was no way in hell we could have gone back to our comfortable, clean hotel room without giving him some money.

What would you have done?

Tubing in the Vang Vieng

Tubing in Vang Vieng (affectionately known as Vangers) has become a rite of passage on the South East Asian backpacker trail, and while yes, it is full of drunken foreigners, we had so much fun we went there twice! (please don't judge us).

Our all-star tubing team - Team Orange

Making ze tubing with ze Germans... ja!

"What is tubing?", you may well ask... well, basically it is floating down a river in an inflatable tube... drunk. Nice eh?!
Need more explanation? Well, being the veteran tubers we are, we've compiled an easy to follow 15-step-guide-to-tubing;

1. Hire a tube from the tubing dudes - you can get 1 tube per person, or 1 between many (recommended for advanced tubers only)
2. Ride a tuk-tuk to the start of the tubing course (3.5kms)
3. Kick off the day with a Beer Lao and a free shot of Lao Lao whiskey at the first bar (optional extra: trapeze or flying fox over the river... watch out for rocks)
4. Float 25m down stream to bar #2
5. Begin on laolao buckets and have a dance with dancing man (see profile below)
6. Float to one of the two mud bars (we prefer the one on the left)
7. Play in mud pits and consume several buckets with newly made tubing buddies
8. Continue on to Slide Bar on the right hand side of the river (you can't miss it... it has a big slide)
9. More buckets and the option of a ride down a dangerous slide.

From here you have a few different options;
10a. Tube back to town before sunset and reclaim your full tube deposit (if this option is selected, you are weak and should skip to step #13)
10b. Tube on to the last bars and continue to drink heavily
11a. Get a tuk-tuk back into town
11b. Float back in the dark (not recommended)
12. Return your tube and reclaim deposit (minus a few bucks fine for late retun)
13. Q-Bar (look for 'Dancing Man' and 'Fan Man')
14. Sunset Bar (look for 'Dancing Man' and 'Tubing Trent')
15. Rock Bar (look for 'Dancing Man' and a cheeky 15 year old)

Repeat as desired.

We loved tubing so much we did it 4 times and each time our tubing posse grew and grew... meet our crew.

CLAMY (Claire and Amy)

Nationality:

Australian

Associated Tubing Days: 4

Likes:

Tubing

Dislikes:

Mozzies, tubing back in the dark

Why we love them:

'cos we are them!


THE LOVELY LUNGERS (Katy, Emily and Carly)

Nationality:
English

Associated Tubing Days: 3

Likes:

Lunges, hats, buckets

Dislikes:

Tube stealers

Why we love them:

'cos they're "well fun"!

THE NAUGHTY TUBERS (Paul and Tony)

Nationality:

English

Associated Tubing Days: 2

Likes: Hair straightening, 'naughty caves'

Dislikes:

Bowling socks, being photographed

Why we love them:

'cos they're "well rapid"

ZE GERMANS (Philip, Tino, Philipp and Basti)

Nationality: German

Associated Tubing Days: 1 (big one!)

Likes: Moustaches, sausages, swings

Dislikes: Puppies, vomiting, us when we mock their accents

Why we love them: Because zey like to make ze tubing und zey are wery funny!

Unfortunately (for you), our tubing posse have, like us, moved on from Vang Vieng and are therefore unavailable to tube with you. But fear not, as you are likely to meet a variety of characters on your trip to Vangers. Keep an eye out for these (or similar) tubing celebrities;

"TUBING TRENT"

Nationality:

Canadian (possibly on the verge of Lao residency)

Associated Tubing Days:

Going on 300 (no joke)

Likes:

Tubing (obviously), matching board-shorts, sunnies and headband outfits

Dislikes:

Reality (evidently... the guy has been tubing for over 9 months)

Why we love him:

Because he's the ambassador for tubing, man!

"FAN MAN"

Nationality:

Unknown (we're not even sure he's from this world)

Associated Tubing Days:

Possibly just one, but it must've been a HUUUGE day

Likes:

Dancing with electric fans (preferably oscillating)

Dislikes:

Air-Con and ceiling fans (he's unable to dance with either)

Why we love him:

Because he was, by far, the drunkest person in Vang Vieng.

"15"

Nationality:

Australian

Associated Tubing Days:

numerous... but he's too young to be tubing anyway (he's only 15!!)

Likes:

drinkin' buckets, piggybacks, trying to chat up girls nearly twice his age

Dislikes:

People mocking him for his age, anything pre-1994

Why we love him:

'cos he's a cool little dude who can hold his drink! (even though he shouldn't be drinking)

"DANCING MAN"

Nationality:

Irish

Associated Tubing Days:

Unknown (we never actually saw him out of a bar)

Likes:

Dancing, dancing, dancing... free buckets

Dislikes:

Standing still, changing clothes, beer in his bucket

Why we love him:

We don't really, but he's hilarious to watch.




With all these crazy characters around, we didn't have a single dull moment in Vang Vieng... in fact, the worst thing about it was leaving.

Mud volleyball at the mud bar!

We luv Vangers 4 eva x