I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!!

In the 6 weeks we were in China, we spent a grand total of 173 hours (or, just over 7 full days) on long distance buses and trains.... and 9 times out of 10 this involved some kind of debacle or disaster, be it someone refusing to move from our reserved seats, lengthy delays, incessant staring (now we know what it must feel like to be famous), being dropped off in the middle of nowhere or just some out and out foul behaviour from fellow passengers - we've been through it all.  You may recall our "Hell on Tracks" post about our trip from Beijing to Xi'An.... little did we know then, that that trip was a walk in the park compared to what we would encounter over the next month.  

Here are our favourite stories from the road...

#1 THE RETURN OF BERTHA  (Bus: Kaili to Xijiang)

A one hour mini-bus trip to Xijiang village was supposed to be an easy trip, but, in China, things don't often work out the way they're supposed to.

A while ago, we told you about 'Bertha' - our train mate in "Hell on Tracks"... well, turns out Bertha has a twin from the Miao ethnic minority who is as equally creepy and gross as her sister... we call her Bertha II.  Bertha II also likes to stare at people and pick her nose, but, unlike her sister, she doesn't travel so well.. we discovered this when her breakfast splattered across our window as our minibus wound around the mountains.  Figuring we only had to endure the sight and smell for another 20 mins, we weren't too fussed, however, China, as always, had other plans for us.  Heavy rains had caused a pretty heafty mud-slide over the road just hours earlier, giving us an extra 2 hours to gaze at and debate about the contents f Bertha II's spew.  Awesome.

#2  KEEP YOUR FLUIDS TO YOURSELF, PLEASE (Train/Bus: Kaili to Fenghuang)

Usually when we travel on trains in China, we opt for the cheapest tickets... the hard seat (or hard sleeper for long journeys).  It's certainly not the most comfortable way to travel, but we got pretty used to it.  In addition to the hardness of the seats, the people on these trains can also tend to be pretty 'hard'.  Usually, the carriages are crowded with farmers and peasants, and without exception we were the only foreigners in sight.  On this particular journey, we got on the train to find our seats occupied by a gang of ticket-less peasants who preferred to sit and stare at us struggle to find a place for our bags rather than vacate our seats. Cheers guys.  One incredibly grubby little girl, did, however give up her seat.  Not out of politeness of course, but because she was terrified of the two funny looking foreigners standing before her.  The rest of the journey became a game of musical chairs (and stares) as every time one of us got up to go to the toilet, we'd return to find some new curious onlooker sitting in our seat.  Four hours had never passed so slowly and it was an incredibly uncomfortable journey... you can't underestimate how exhausting it is to be stared at by a carriage of people for 4 hours solid.

Adding insult to injury, after getting off the train we immediately boarded an overcrowded bus to Fenghuang.  Again, it wasn't a long journey, but by God was it painful.  

Aside from the terrible condition of the roads, the lack of suspension on the bus and a broken seat, our bus mates ensured we were grossed out for the entire journey.  As the bus pulled out of the station, the guy sitting next to us got a blood nose - not just a little one, but torrents of blood pouring out of his face.  Rather than use the packet of tissues in his hand, he chose to drip blood on the floor, just centimeters from our feet, which he didn't bother cleaning up at all, leaving us to stare at his pool of blood on the floor for the next 2 and a half hours! Joy!

As if this wasn't enough, the obligatory spewer on our bus was a little girl a few seats in front of us.  After the poor little thing had soaked herself and her dad's t-shirt with vomit, her dad resourcefully used the fabric cover of the seat head-rest to clean her up.  Needless to say our bus didn't smell or look good at all.

#3 THE CREME DE LA CREME (Hotel in Huaihua & Train: Huaihua to Guilin)

This story would have to take the cake as far as our disgusting travel stories go...

Unable to get on a train before morning, we were forced to stay overnight in a dodgy little city called Huaihua.  After a bit of searching, we managed to find a hotel that was both cheap and clean.  Perfect! As the sun was setting, we checked in and went out for a few hours, but upon returning to our room, we found our hotel was not so perfect after all.  There was one little problem... or more like 10 big problems.  Cockroaches.  We turned on the lights to find these dirty bastards on our beds, in the bathroom, under our bags and on the walls and floor.  Being too late to change hotels and given we had a very early morning train, we considered spending the night in an internet cafe, but decided we had to harden up if we were going to survive the next 4 months in Asia.  So we stayed and faced our demons...  Well, we left the lights on and pretty much spent the whole night sitting up, dispersed with periods of fitful sleep in the foetal position until we could get up at 5am for our train.

We'd never been so happy to check out of a hotel, nor had we ever been so eager to get onto a train, and we were so looking forward to the next 11 hours of roach-free sleep.  You can imagine, then, our exhausted disappointment when we got on the train to find that (a) it was from the dark ages (complete with coal powered hot water urns), and (b) that there were two women sitting on our beds who refused to move.

Tired and shitty we began the process of trying to negotiate our way onto the beds we'd paid for.  It was during this process that w noticed one of the women was holding a baby between her legs.  The baby was pant-less.  The baby was pissing and shitting all over the floor of the cabin.  The mother had removed it's nappy to allow this to happen.  The floor of the sleeper in which we were to spend the next 11 hours was covered in piss and poo. Well, that was the last straw... we lost it.

Eventually, the women got the picture that we didn't want baby crap on the floor, and removed the offending nuggets, before spreading wee all over the cabin floor with a piece of newspaper.  

With our bags safely tucked up on our tiny beds, we waited for the pee on the floor to dry and looked on in horror as people unknowingly stepped, barefoot, in the puddle before stepping onto our beds while climbing up to their own.

Claire unhappy with the piss covered floor

From sharing stories with other travellers along the way, it's pretty safe to say that we've been unlucky with our travel companions.  We've seen some pretty gross things and seen a side of China we didn't quite expect to see! While some tried our patience, they've given us some very real experiences that have kept us laughing along the way and that we're unlikely to forget.

Xie Xie, China!